


We're Never Gonna Quit It, No

by wellgodowninhistory



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, no specific trigger like kinda refrences i dunno its complicated, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-10 00:31:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2003961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wellgodowninhistory/pseuds/wellgodowninhistory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton realizes that he has a problem, this is the process</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're Never Gonna Quit It, No

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to chocolate by the 1975 (credit for the title) mainly.  
> i wrote this in 4 hours? its a bit shit but it's been haunting me for days.

He’s shivering again, not that he really notices. He’s too wrapped up in the cigarette in his hands; running through the pros and ignoring the cons, it seems like a good idea, a lesser addiction on top of everything else doesn’t seem so bad, he’s starting to build it up in his so much that it appears to be a good idea.

“Don’t do it. Seriously, if it’s your first time then I’d suggest never even thinking about it, they’re a bitch to stop and drain your money like a crack whore” Ashton was ignoring him to start with, until he’d heard the crack whore line and realised who it was talking, he cracked a smile. A fake smile but it was better than no smile at all.

“You want it?” It’s not like he’s going to smoke it, waste not and all. However Zayn just shakes his head and sighs. 

“I quit, it was driving everyone insane and I kind of like being alive” He gives a pointed look to Ashton, one which he definitely elects to ignore before taking it and flicking it into a drain, killing some animals, Ashton’s sure but he’s not really in the mindset to care. “I know you don’t want to hear it but this is killing you, just like that was killing me.” Ashton walks away; he’s heard it all before and doesn’t really want another lecture. What Zayn says next though nearly kills him and his knees go weak. “Ashton, this is killing Michael and you know it. Change it”

\--

It’s a week since his conversation with Zayn and it’s been driving him insane. He hadn’t noticed before, the effect it was having on everyone around him, on his family, friends, the band, the fans but mostly the band. Mostly Michael.

He’d been so fucking blind to it before but it’d been sucking the life out of Michael, he looked tired and drained and just seemed so fucking tired and that’s when Ashton realised that he was tired too, tired of not wanting to fight, not having anything to fight for.

The more he thought about it and fuck, he did that a lot, he realised that whilst no part of his was willing to fight for himself, to fight for any part of him that remained because he was convinced that he was burnt out and done for, there was still this tiny little part of him that was willing to fight for Michael, to save some of the mess that Ashton was creating of him.

\--

It’s two in the morning and Ashton’s stood outside their back door again but this time he hasn’t got a cigarette in his hands, he’s just staring into the distance and thinking again which never seems to end up leading to anything good but it’s also something he can't seem to do anymore.

He doesn’t realise that he’s been joined by people until they’ve both grabbed his hands at such a precise moment that he would be worried had he not known that they spend everyday with each other, just like he does but he couldn’t feel like he’s ever known anyone less.

“We didn’t want to push you” Calum starts, tracing invisible patterns in his hand and Ashton decides to focus on that instead of on the conversation at hand. “But we’re worried about you”

“Ash, everyone is worried about you” 

“I'm okay” It doesn’t even sound right to him, too monotone and like he’s been practicing it in front of the mirror for years and maybe he has, just in his head instead and he’s on autopilot, mind entirely focused on the patterns being traced into his skin. “I'm fine, I don’t need help, its all okay” 

It sounds like such bullshit that’s just spilling from his mouth and he blinks, realising what Calum’s been drawing on the back of his hand and he jerks his hand away, as if he’s been burnt.

“Fuck you” Is what he says before he storms away into the night, ignoring their voices calling for him. Focusing solely on the fact that all that he wants to do is run away from everything right now. That’s exactly what he does.

\--

He’s been officially missing for two days when Ashton stumbles back into the flat, unofficially missing for four in total. He stumbles into the bedroom entirely dehydrated and entirely hungry.

When he makes it there he sees Michael wide awake and staring at him with this look, it’s pity and confusion and horror all wrapped into one and Ashton hasn’t felt worse in his life. He’s already made his decision on the walk over so he does what he came to do. 

Ashton lies down next to Michael, steals his warmth and he realises for the first time just how cold he is, both metaphorically and literally. He looks down and sees the shaking in his hands, the way he can no longer focus on any one thing and he wants to cry. How hadn’t he fucking seen it for so long, it’s been nearly a year and he’s been so blind to everything.

“Are you okay?” Michael sounds more concerned than Ashton can ever remember him being, but then again Ashton can't remember a lot and it’s in that second that Ashton realises 100% just how badly he’d fucked up and it hits him like a freight train. 

He sobs and it’s not pretty and it’s not nice, it’s anything but that. Its horrible and messy and Michael holds him close and lets him do it, does what feels natural and runs his hand through his hair, feeling the grease from it being unwashed for days on end.

He holds him tightly, as if when he lets go Ashton’s going to shatter but he doesn’t know when Ashton’s going to let him do this again, if he’s going to let him do it again. The good days are getting worse and further apart and that’s scary.

“Fuck, I didn’t- I didn’t think this” Ashton waves his hand around, voice muffled from Michaels shirt and that’s when Michael realises that he’s stopped crying but he still refuses to lift his head up. “I didn’t think this would get so far”

‘So far’ Michael wants to snort at him but he doesn't, lets him continue on his own.

“I think it’s about time that I do something about this so, I'm going away for a while? Everyone knows. I sent them a text eh?” Ashton laughs but its not a proper laugh, it’s a broken weak little chuckle. “I wanted to tell you now, before I go that I love you and I’ll be back and I’ll be sorted”

Michael pulls him up and they dance around the kitchen and Michael makes him laugh for what feels like the first time in years, they do this for what feels like hours until when the car pulls up to take Ashton away and while Michael feels sad that he’s going, he’s too excited for the future.

“I love you” Is the last thing he says to Ashton before he kisses him and lets him go, go and get ‘sorted’ and come back as Ashton and not this monster that seems to have taken over him.

**Author's Note:**

> i know its vague, if you wanna talk to me anonyomously or on tumblr instead drop me an ask at imlostinsidemyheadwishing.tumblr.com
> 
> it's also a bit shit i think, ive been running off no sleep for far too long


End file.
